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Friday, June 25

Lovable Labels BlogHer' 10 Getaway Contest-- My Job Description


 
  • Company:
    M.O.M.S-- Maternal Office of Messiness & Solutions
  • Job Category:
    Household Engineer
  • Status:
    Full Time Employee-- possible bathroom breaks (may or may not be with a toddler at foot) and family vacation time with tenure and seniority. 
  • Experience: Past experience helpful, but not required. You may seek out help from parenting manuals, but don't assume it will help in any way.
  • Wages and Compensation: Hold on to your seats ladies-- you pay them! You offer frequent raises and bonuses for good behavior and helpfulness through a once-a-week "allowance." A large payment is due when they turn 18-- you think  that college will help them become well rounded, educated people. When you die, you give them everything you have.

  • Benefits:  No health or dental insurance, no pension, no paid holidays and no stock options offered. Free hugs and kisses available.

    Household Engineer

    For centuries,  women of all ages, sexual orientation, religions, and backgrounds have joined the ranks of M.O.M.S.. Once conception is acquired, expect a minimum of 18 years to the rest of your life as a M.O.M.S. member.

    You must be willing to go without. This includes sleep (at least until 5 years old-- then again in the teenage years), showering, using the restroom, pedicures, manicures (you should see my feet!), eating while sitting down, eating a balanced meal (bites of chicken nuggets and hot dogs become the M.O.M.S. staple). 

    Don't bother purchasing a new career wardrobe-- vomit, poop and sour milk will occur.

    Must acquire lightning speed reflexes and be able to run out the back door if screams occur. Must also be able to differentiate between "crying wolf" and real pain. 

    Challenges will occur including, but not limited to: 
         * Cutting of hair-- not usually yours, but if sleep occurs it could be-- take precautions.
         * Backed-up toilets due to randomly flushed Barbie dolls
         * Splinters
         * Sharpie Marker on the walls of the dining room
         * One piece bathing suits stuck on the family German Shepard dog.
         * Kool Aid dyed carpeting, bedding, and misc clothing.
         * Poo facials- no explanation necessary.

    Once the teenage years occur, crank calls and random pizza deliveries will become the norm. 

    Must be willing to break open thousands of cheap, plastic, breakable toys from foreign lands.  If your hands cannot get the toy out of the massive amount of plastic, scissors and/or chain saw may be required. The toy may need to be assembled and do not assume there will be directions. Brush up on your Mandarin Chinese for easier assembly and to keep your sanity.






    3 comments:

    Lindsay (SMT) on July 14, 2010 at 10:56 AM said...

    Okay, the writing was giggle worthy in itself, the pictures...

    They put me over the edge!

    Too stinking cute.

    Good luck on the contest!

    Lindsay
    Silly Mom Thoughts
    http://blog.lindsaymaddox.com

    Laura on July 15, 2010 at 5:21 AM said...

    Thank you for entering the Lovable Labels BlogHer Contest! Good Luck!!